Questions???

So, does anyone have any questions for me?  Comments?  Is the sharing of my story helpful?  Thanks! MBM

Two months post-extraction!

About two months have passed since the surgery.  I did quickly go mostly back to normal.  The only difference is that my belly is still about a half to a full inch bigger than it was before.  How do I know?

My pants, which were about 4 inches too tight at the time of the surgery, are still a bit tight.  Now, maybe I haven't been as diligent with my diet and exercise as I was previously or maybe it just takes a bit of work to lose the little bit of padding, but I have noticed this difference in my body.

Now for the juicy stuff...THE MAN!
So, the new boyfriend is still here!  (Hence the slacker job in updating this blog over the past ~2 months.) Things are going great.  I must say that having 18 little buns of hope in the freezer has helped me to be more relaxed about the "future" and just enjoy getting to know him.  I think it makes him also feel less anxious.

One thing I didn't realize before I started this egg freezing process is that there are many women who don't want to have children.  (Perfectly valid choice, just different from mine.)  I have recently heard some men (who want to have kids) complaining that they have trouble finding women who definitely want to have children.

An unexpected upside to my egg freezing was that my new boyfriend had no doubt that having children was a priority to me.  But instead of coming off as desperate or anxious to jump into just any relationship, the choice to preserve my fertility is seen and thoughtful and responsible.

Again, please post any and all questions!  I'm here to help!

Recovery...

So, I didn't quite spring back as quickly as the doctors told me I would.  They said I might be able to go back to work the day after the extraction.  In reality, I needed to take the next day off from work and work from home on the second day after surgery.

About 5 days post-extraction, I was still very bloated and had some pain when I went to the bathroom.  So, I went back to the doctor for an exam and tests.  The doctor said that since I had had such a productive cycle, there was residual swelling in my ovaries.  I guess that's not the worst problem to have.  Over the next couple of days, the swelling went down and I felt fine by day 7.

WSJ article on the Male Biological Clock...

On June 25, 2011, the Wall Street Journal published an article called
What's That Ticking Sound? The Male Biological Clock  Men are also at the mercy of age when it comes to having kids  by Jennifer Vanderbes

The article expects readers to focus on the statistics reported.  It's intended to be a wake up call for men or, more likely, an attempt to strike fear into the bulging egos of the aging, wealthy male populations in large cities such as New York.  Whether or not the science is accurate or conclusive, I am most struck by the content of the first two paragraphs.

"Several months ago, my friend Anna called to complain about her boyfriend of eight months. Bombarded by media warnings about the female biological clock, he wanted to make sure that Anna was fit for childbearing before the relationship moved forward. He had taken her to a fertility clinic where a reproductive endocrinologist drew blood to check her ovarian reserve and injected radioactive iodine into her uterus to ensure that her fallopian tubes were clear.

Anna is 32. Her boyfriend is 52."


Yes, there are men who strut around wealthy, urban centers such as New York, dismissing women much younger than themselves, due to potential fertility issues.  They proudly pronounce to their buddies and, sometimes, the women that surround them that that they would never be with a woman over XX years old (28, 32, 35, pick your poison) because they want to have children without a problem.

What the women who struggle with these men (e.g., "Anna") are failing to see is that what these men seek is not a loving, compatible life partner.  They are seeking an accessory.  A beautiful, sexy, somewhat complicated, but not too demanding baby factory.  Such an accessory goes great with a Patek Philippe, is the finishing touch on a 911, and will round out the complete man by providing him with an "heir".

For G-d's sake, "he wanted to make sure that Anna was fit for childbearing before the relationship moved forward." 

Wow, it really sounds like he found his soul mate!  Do these people have any inkling what it means to love another human being?  And how compassionate do you think Mr. 52-year-old-bring-the-cow-to-the-vet-before-I-buy-her will be toward a child?

If Anna and her "boyfriend" are truly considering having a family together, shouldn't that be based on a desire to be, I don't know, together?  Together, despite whatever obstacles they might encounter.  Together, for richer or poorer (even if the the Porsche gets repossessed).  Together, in sickness or in health (even if fertility treatments, egg/sperm donor, adoption are necessary and even when Mr. 52 becomes Mr. 62 and Mr. 72 and Anna has to change his diaper when she is, ironically, a mere 52...actually, I'm sure their teenage son won't mind changing Daddy's diaper!!!).

I am amazed at how none of these thoughts seems to have occurred to Ms. Vanderbes.  Instead of writing this article, trying to explain to Mr. 52 that he might not be as fertile as he thinks, Jennifer should be trying to save her friend, Anna, from such a heartless relationship.  And helping Anna to work on her self-esteem so she doesn't feel the need to pair up with a man who behaves in such a cold manner.

The Final Count (drum roll please...): 18!!!

Now, I know there are a couple other egg freezing blogs out there where the women get 30+ eggs.  But the reality is that, at least according to their website, NYU's average is 14 (note: I was not a patient of NYU).  My doctor set my expectations at 8-10.  And they say it takes 15-20 for a good chance at having a real, live, unfrozen baby.

I am quite happy with my 18 little bundles of hope.  What does 18 mean to me?  It means that I don't have to go through a second cycle.  It means that I accomplished what I set out to do.  This doesn't guarantee that I will ever have a biological child, but I feel that I've done what I could to give myself (and future husband???) a fighting chance.

Coming Soon...the FINAL COUNT!

Now, for all of you saying, "she's got this great boyfriend and I'm doing this alone", I was also doing this alone.  But I got lucky and met someone about a month and a half ago.

This was really tricky.  I was about to start the egg freezing process.  I could've put it off for a few months, to see how the relationship progressed.  I mean, it's a complicated thing to tell someone you just started dating that you are so focused on your fertility.  But I decided to stay the course and just hope for the best.

While he has been fantastic, there was definitely some vacillation in the beginning.  He was concerned about how this would effect us as we were trying to get to know one another.  I was quick to tell him that he didn't need to be involved; I have friends who could drive me to the egg retrieval, administer the trigger shot, and provide moral support.

I was concerned about how this would impact our potential sex life.  I mean, this would definitely take me out of commission for a while during the important first months of our being together.  Did I expect him to wait?

Extraction Day!!! (Sunday, June 26, 2011)

Physical: Feeling swollen this morning, which is good.  If I felt completely normal, I would worry that there weren't potentially 20 little eggs waiting to be extracted.  I am a bit hungry, having had nothing to eat since last night.  But my procedure is early this morning, so it won't be long until I can eat.

Emotional: I am a bit trepidatious.  Will it hurt?  Amazingly, I never got extremely emotional or crazy from the hormone shots.  I know that each woman reacts differently, so I believe that I have been lucky.

This is especially important to me because, unlike those married women undergoing IVF (which the fertility clinic is teaming with), I don't have a husband.  What I do have is a new boyfriend who has been incredibly supportive.  Throughout the process, I have feared that I would have some sort of emotional upheaval that would send him running for the hills.  But, alas, we have survived and he has been an absolute savior, including getting up at an ungodly hour this morning to make sure I made it to surgery on time.

The funny part was when the nurse asked him for his sperm sample!  I had to immediately intercede that we are not making embryos today!  Please don't fertilize these eggs!!!  That could've been the straw that sent him running, but instead he joked about it and offered (privately, to me) to go hang out in the semen sample production room, especially if they had good magazines/movies!

The Procedure
So, after being hooked up to an IV, they walk me into the Operating Room and sit me on the table.  I position myself as instructed and answer the nurses questions about my identity.
...

Next thing I know, I'm waking up to the sound of my perfect new boyfriend's voice!  I'm in the recovery room and can't believe that the procedure has been completed.  No pain, no discomfort.  I waddle to the car and, with a quick stop at the pharmacy and grocery, head home to convalesce.

Injections: Day 9 (Friday, June 24, 2001)

Physical: The title of this post is misleading, because after my morning injection of Ganirelix, there were no further injections.  The doctor decided that my follicles are mature enough to trigger tonight! (Today's Test Results: 20 follicles visible, 16 are big, 4 are dinky, estrogen 2672)  That estrogen sounds ridiculous, if you ask me!

Emotional: Amazingly, considering the level of my estrogen, I'm still as sane as I ever was.  I'm very grateful for this.

I'm afraid of the trigger shot.  There are no two ways about it, the needle is long and I'm a chicken!  I brought my shooter to the doctor with me this morning in order to give him a crash course in administering the trigger shot.  The nurse insisted it doesn't hurt, but I don't believe her.

Evening update:  The trigger shot really didn't hurt!!!  I am very sensitive to needles.  When they take my blood at the doctor, I can't stand it.  But amazingly, the 1.5 inch needle in my butt, into the muscle, was barely noticeable.  I kept asking if he was sure it was in (probably not a question men like to hear in any other circumstances ;).  But, GOOD NEWS LADIES, it was in and it was completely painless!

Injections: Day 8 (Thursday, June 23, 2011)

Physical: Generally, I'm fine, but feeling a little swollen, fragile, and just not 100%.  I left work at 4pm because there was no reason to tough it out and jeopardize my health. (Today's Test Results: 13 are big with some behind, estrogen 1850)  With the follicle count, it seems like there's a bit of gamesmanship going on.  Understandably, the doctor doesn't want my expectations to be built up, so they've stopped telling me as much about the smaller follicles.  That's fine.  I know there are at least 17 there somewhere!  Grow babies grow!!!

Emotional: Amazingly, considering the level of my estrogen, I'm still as sane as I ever was.  However, I'm probably less fun than normal because all I want to do is chill out at home and watch movies.


Is anyone reading this?  Tell me your thoughts in the COMMENTS section below.  Have you considered freezing your eggs?  It took me about two years of thinking about it, researching, and getting comfortable with spending the money before I was ready.  But I have to say, as soon as the doctor's appointment was made, I felt like a weight was lifted, like I could stop grasping straws and trying to make the wrong relationships work.

Injections: Day 7 (Wednesday, June 22, 2011)

Physical: The swollen feeling continues, but it's nothing that is changing my life.  I can still do most normal things.  I'm going to work without a problem.  The major difference is no exercise (I normally run and lift weights) and nothing else to physically strenuous.  (Today's Test Results: 13 follicles were measured, but 3 of them are kinda dinky, so call it 10 big, estrogen 1057)

Emotional: I feel fine.

FYI, there was no doctor's appointment yesterday and nothing exciting happened, so I didn't feel the need to post.


The Doctor's Take
Today, the doctor joined us (the ultrasound nurse and me) during the ultrasound.  She was quick to tell me that I only had 10 decent sized follicles.  That is good, but I shouldn't be too confident that I won't have to go through a second cycle of egg freezing in order to get the desired 15+ eggs.


This definitely put a damper on my enthusiasm, but I also chalked it up to her desire to set my expectations low so that I would likely be happy with the outcome of this cycle.

Injections: Day 5 (Monday, June 20, 2011)

Physical: Starting to feel more swollen and bloated for parts of the day.  I go back and forth from feeling normal and feeling a bit fragile.  (Today's Test Results: 17 follicles visible, 7 are measurable (not sure what happened to the 8th one that was measurable yesterday), estrogen 648)

Emotional: I'm perfectly sane.  Really, I might be immune to the emotional effects.  I'm just so level-headed!  Who am I kidding?  I'm sure devil-woman is waiting in the wings for her opportunity to strike next week...



I'm absolutely thrilled to have 17 follicles.  Let's just hope they all mature and have beautiful, perfect, little eggs in them.


Is anyone reading this?  Tell me your thoughts.  Have you considered freezing your eggs?  It took me about two years of thinking about it, researching, and getting comfortable with spending the money before I was ready.  But I have to say, as soon as the doctor's appointment was made, I felt like a weight was lifted, like I could stop grasping straws and trying to make the wrong relationships work.

Injections: Day 4 (Sunday, June 19, 2011)

Physical: I'm still feeling good, though I was a bit crampy for about an hour or two in the afternoon.  (Today's Test Results: 13/14 follicles visible, 8 are measurable, estrogen 445)

Emotional: I may have gotten a little whiney during the cramping portion of the afternoon, but otherwise, I'm still feeling like myself.

Bloodwork and ultrasound at 9:00am on a Sunday.  That is not my idea of fun, but it is my idea of hope.  I was with the new boyfriend in the waiting room of the fertility center on Sunday morning.  The place was hoppin', mostly with couples and a few single women.  The mood was so serious.  It seemed irreverent that we were giggling and joking. But we're all here because we want babies, be it now or in the future.  Take a step back and think about why you want kids.  This is a good thing, a happy thing, so cheer up folks! 


The fact that I might be able to preserve my ability to bear children is an amazing privilege and gift (from science, from G-d, from wherever/whomever floats your boat).


So, the good news is that I have 13 or 14 follicles (the report changed).  The ultrasound technician actually told me, "this is a good cycle".  Yay!


In case you're wondering, the doctor says that it takes 15-20 eggs to be pretty confident that you will have one baby after the freezing, thawing, insemination, and implantation.  So, if I can get in that range in one cycle, I will be thrilled!

Injections: Day 3 (Saturday, June 18, 2011)

Physical: I have some slight swelling and bloating, but really nothing to complain about.

Emotional: Still not crazy!  My emotions are nothing out of the ordinary.  In fact, I might feel less today that I have recently.  Am I immune to the hormones?!?! (I know, famous last words...)


Stay tuned...

Women Gave Up Superiority for Equality!

My father once told me that women gave up superiority for equality.  He's got a point.

The way it was
In the stereotypical 1950's household, a woman could be quite powerful.  If she had a kind, loving, and financially successful husband, she could spend her time how she chose.  She would make the majority of the financial decisions.  She lived a comfortable life and didn't have to get up every morning and go to a job she loathed.  She could spend precious time with her children.

Said another way, I appreciate that it is a luxury and a gift to have the choice to be a housewife or stay-at-home mom.

On the other hand, it is also extremely valuable to have other choices.  In the 1950's, women did not have many opportunities to work outside the home, especially in intellectually challenging roles.  Rocket scientist, stock broker, advertising executive: these titles were not available to women.  Instead, women had to be cooks, cleaners, mommies, and pretty little sexpots for their husbands.

The way it is
Today, we are all confused.  Men don't know how to act toward women in the office.  Women don't know how to dress professionally (especially you 20-somethings...cover those knees and toes!...let's not even talk about the cleavage).

And lord knows who is supposed to pay on a date!

Today, it is a complete evil for a woman to want to make the choice to become a housewife.  Women must work, just as men must.  Additionally, women must be cooks, cleaners, mommies, and pretty little sexpots for their live-in boyfriends (who may eventually become husbands if they play their cards right, but why bother if she's giving up the milk already?...plus,she doesn't need me anyway since she has a high-powered job...).

Injections: Day 2 (Friday, June 17, 2011)

Physical: I'm just spotting a little from the period that started on Tuesday, post birth control pills.  Otherwise, I have generally felt normal today.  There may have been some slight cramping and bloating, but nothing that really impacted my day.  I'm spending the evening relaxing at home and watching a movie after shooting up.

Emotional: Not crazy yet!  I'm still me, no emotional swings so far.  I'm still happy and very appreciative of supportive friends and family.



The shots went faster tonight.  Halfway through, I stopped and thought:
    "This is crazy!  I hate needles.  What was I thinking?"


I can only half remember why I'm doing this.  The other half of me feels so young and invincible.  Who me, not be able to bear children someday?  Impossible!  I am strong like bull!  I guess, strong like cow is more appropriate.  Hmm, do I really want to equate myself with a cow?


In case you're wondering, no, it's not the hormones that have made me so goofy...I'm always like this!  Maybe that means I'll be a fun mommy!

Who? What? Why?

I guess I should back up the truck and tell you what this is all about.

So, I was in my late 20's and madly in love.  I thought I would marry this man.  We planned to have a family, down to every detail: names, nanny or not, public or private schools, what age to start skiing lessons, etc.  Until the day that he left me...and then the day, a couple years later, when he felt the need to call me, out of the blue, to tell me that he had become a father.  I'm SOOOOOOOOO happy for you!  The mother?  That would be the woman he left me for.  Fantastic!

But I refused to be bitter or distrustful.  I embraced relationships, remained open to love.  Since then, I have had partial connections, relationships that were okay, but weren't really love.  I've probably tried too hard to make these work.  I have really wanted a life partner.  In the meantime, I've somehow aged; I'm now 36.

Adoption Option?
One thing I've always known is that I want to have children.  For a while, I consoled myself with the thought that even if I was too old to have my own kids when I was ready, I was happy adopting.  Somewhere along the way, however, that started to seem like it was not enough.  I want to carry a child. I want to be preggers, have a bun in the oven, get knocked up, pop one out...

Interestingly, I still would like to adopt, but in addition to carrying my genetic child.  I have plenty of love to go around!

Single Mother by Choice?
After years of uninspiring relationships and biology's wake up call knocking at my psyche, I seriously considered just having a child on my own.  I researched women who have done this, discussed it with family and friends, poured over sperm donor registries, and had a heart-to-heart with a male friend.

In an act of amazing kindness and generosity, that friend offered to become my "baby daddy".  I traveled very far down this path, seriously planning to take him up on the offer.  I suggested we have a "pre-baby", a contract like a pre-nup, but for our unusual situation.  In another amazing move, he trusted me enough to not desire such a contract, to instead leave himself exposed to me financially.

We were all set, but then I realized that I can't, at least not now.  I really want to do this, child rearing, with a partner.  And I could never call myself a "Single Mother by Choice".  Mother by choice, yes, but I can't see myself choosing to be single.

Choice
So, this left me with a few possibilities:

• Keep doing the same thing I'd been doing: hope the next relationship is the one, try too hard to fit a square peg into a round hole, panic a little and, occasionally, feel like a loser for still being single  
• Or, try to "preserve my fertility" by freezing my unfertilized eggs

When I was 28, there was a 37 year old woman with whom I worked.  She was beautiful and much younger looking.  She talked about wanting to have children, but couldn't find the man to do it with.  I just kept thinking that she should just go and have a child on her own, she was running out of time, it was now or never.

Now, here I am, basically in the same place she was, but I have another option, one that didn't exist years ago. I can purchase an insurance policy, take the edge off, and try to build an alternative future for myself.

If you read the first post, you may have noticed that I have recently met a great guy.  It's still very early, but he is just the bee's knees.  I told him about what I'm doing and, so far, he's been very warm and supportive.  Now, let's see how well he hangs on as the hormones that I started injecting tonight start to kick in!!!

Injections: Day 1 (Thursday, June 16, 2011)

Physical: I'm still bleeding from the period that started on Tuesday, the day after I stopped taking birth control pills and had my baseline tests done.  (Baseline Test Results: 11 follicles visible, no cysts, no pregnancy...it's a go!)

Emotional: Upbeat, curious about the process, happy to have friends and (however bizarrely) a new and amazing boyfriend to support me through this process.

I pull out my big box of meds at 7:15pm, thinking this will be simple.  Hold on, what did I do with my notes from Injection Class?  Crap, they're not in the box of meds; they're not in my folder of egg freezing-related document; they're nowhere!

"Relax", I tell myself.  Then, I remember that there's supposed to be a video online.  One final review of the documents in my folder yields an instruction manual.  Awesome!  However, it's funny how it seemed so simple when I was mixing and injecting the artificial belly during the "injection class".  Now, it seems like absolute rocket science.

I inject the Gonal F on the right side of the belly.  I must admit that I do have that one inch of chub to pinch, which is just what I need for a good injection.  The Menopur is going in the left belly.  I'm amazed that I can barely feel the needle going in.  The Gonal F, upon injection, causes no sensation at all.  However, there is a slight sting with the Menopur.  By 8:00pm, I'm done with my injections.  I'm sure it will go much faster tomorrow.

It's now about 45 minutes after the injection.  I'm sitting on the couch, writing my inaugural blog entry, feeling like my belly is bloated or swollen.  But I kinda think that sensation is psychosomatic.  Otherwise, nothing has happened yet.

Stay tuned...