So, I was in my late 20's and madly in love. I thought I would marry this man. We planned to have a family, down to every detail: names, nanny or not, public or private schools, what age to start skiing lessons, etc. Until the day that he left me...and then the day, a couple years later, when he felt the need to call me, out of the blue, to tell me that he had become a father. I'm SOOOOOOOOO happy for you! The mother? That would be the woman he left me for. Fantastic!
But I refused to be bitter or distrustful. I embraced relationships, remained open to love. Since then, I have had partial connections, relationships that were okay, but weren't really love. I've probably tried too hard to make these work. I have really wanted a life partner. In the meantime, I've somehow aged; I'm now 36.
One thing I've always known is that I want to have children. For a while, I consoled myself with the thought that even if I was too old to have my own kids when I was ready, I was happy adopting. Somewhere along the way, however, that started to seem like it was not enough. I want to carry a child. I want to be preggers, have a bun in the oven, get knocked up, pop one out...
Interestingly, I still would like to adopt, but in addition to carrying my genetic child. I have plenty of love to go around!
Single Mother by Choice?
After years of uninspiring relationships and biology's wake up call knocking at my psyche, I seriously considered just having a child on my own. I researched women who have done this, discussed it with family and friends, poured over sperm donor registries, and had a heart-to-heart with a male friend.
In an act of amazing kindness and generosity, that friend offered to become my "baby daddy". I traveled very far down this path, seriously planning to take him up on the offer. I suggested we have a "pre-baby", a contract like a pre-nup, but for our unusual situation. In another amazing move, he trusted me enough to not desire such a contract, to instead leave himself exposed to me financially.
We were all set, but then I realized that I can't, at least not now. I really want to do this, child rearing, with a partner. And I could never call myself a "Single Mother by Choice". Mother by choice, yes, but I can't see myself choosing to be single.
So, this left me with a few possibilities:
- Keep doing the same thing I'd been doing: hope the next relationship is the one, try too hard to fit a square peg into a round hole, panic a little and, occasionally, feel like a loser for still being single
- Or, try to "preserve my fertility" by freezing my unfertilized eggs
When I was 28, there was a 37 year old woman with whom I worked. She was beautiful and much younger looking. She talked about wanting to have children, but couldn't find the man to do it with. I just kept thinking that she should just go and have a child on her own, she was running out of time, it was now or never.
Now, here I am, basically in the same place she was, but I have another option, one that didn't exist years ago. I can purchase an insurance policy, take the edge off, and try to build an alternative future for myself.
If you read the first post, you may have noticed that I have recently met a great guy. It's still very early, but he is just the bee's knees. I told him about what I'm doing and, so far, he's been very warm and supportive. Now, let's see how well he hangs on as the hormones that I started injecting tonight start to kick in!!!