Thursday, June 16, 2011

Who? What? Why?

I guess I should back up the truck and tell you what this is all about.

So, I was in my late 20's and madly in love.  I thought I would marry this man.  We planned to have a family, down to every detail: names, nanny or not, public or private schools, what age to start skiing lessons, etc.  Until the day that he left me...and then the day, a couple years later, when he felt the need to call me, out of the blue, to tell me that he had become a father.  I'm SOOOOOOOOO happy for you!  The mother?  That would be the woman he left me for.  Fantastic!

But I refused to be bitter or distrustful.  I embraced relationships, remained open to love.  Since then, I have had partial connections, relationships that were okay, but weren't really love.  I've probably tried too hard to make these work.  I have really wanted a life partner.  In the meantime, I've somehow aged; I'm now 36.

Adoption Option?
One thing I've always known is that I want to have children.  For a while, I consoled myself with the thought that even if I was too old to have my own kids when I was ready, I was happy adopting.  Somewhere along the way, however, that started to seem like it was not enough.  I want to carry a child. I want to be preggers, have a bun in the oven, get knocked up, pop one out...

Interestingly, I still would like to adopt, but in addition to carrying my genetic child.  I have plenty of love to go around!

Single Mother by Choice?
After years of uninspiring relationships and biology's wake up call knocking at my psyche, I seriously considered just having a child on my own.  I researched women who have done this, discussed it with family and friends, poured over sperm donor registries, and had a heart-to-heart with a male friend.

In an act of amazing kindness and generosity, that friend offered to become my "baby daddy".  I traveled very far down this path, seriously planning to take him up on the offer.  I suggested we have a "pre-baby", a contract like a pre-nup, but for our unusual situation.  In another amazing move, he trusted me enough to not desire such a contract, to instead leave himself exposed to me financially.

We were all set, but then I realized that I can't, at least not now.  I really want to do this, child rearing, with a partner.  And I could never call myself a "Single Mother by Choice".  Mother by choice, yes, but I can't see myself choosing to be single.

So, this left me with a few possibilities:

  • Keep doing the same thing I'd been doing: hope the next relationship is the one, try too hard to fit a square peg into a round hole, panic a little and, occasionally, feel like a loser for still being single  
  • Or, try to "preserve my fertility" by freezing my unfertilized eggs

When I was 28, there was a 37 year old woman with whom I worked.  She was beautiful and much younger looking.  She talked about wanting to have children, but couldn't find the man to do it with.  I just kept thinking that she should just go and have a child on her own, she was running out of time, it was now or never.

Now, here I am, basically in the same place she was, but I have another option, one that didn't exist years ago. I can purchase an insurance policy, take the edge off, and try to build an alternative future for myself.

If you read the first post, you may have noticed that I have recently met a great guy.  It's still very early, but he is just the bee's knees.  I told him about what I'm doing and, so far, he's been very warm and supportive.  Now, let's see how well he hangs on as the hormones that I started injecting tonight start to kick in!!!

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